April 7th
by JenLea
Summary: April 7th is an important day to Maureen. Joanne finally finds out why. MoJo angst
1. Part 1

April 7th Discovery 

Pairing: Maureen/Joanne. Past Mark/ Maureen

Part: 1/??

Summary: April 7th is an important day to Maureen. Joanne finally finds out why.

A/N: Thanks to for betaing.

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Joanne never thought to ask why Maureen lit the pink tapered candle, a present from Mark, only on April 7th every year.

All she knew about April 7th was that Maureen vanished for hours and then refused to discuss where she had been.

After these disappearances, Maureen always seemed exhausted and depressed. Joanne didn't want to pry, especially when her lover seemed _so _upset.

Finally, eight years into their relationship, she got the nerve to ask.

"Maureen?" she murmured, the words heavy on her tongue. "What is so important about April 7th?" Suddenly, she realized pain was seeping into her hazel eyes. Had it been something she'd said?

"Norah…Norah Juliet." Maureen muttered, seemingly staring off. "Norah Juliet Cohen-Johnson…our Bright One…Our Precious Girl." Tears began to slowly slide down her cheeks.

Joanne was stunned. She hadn't seen Maureen cry like that in years, not since they had buried Collins. Then, a greater realization hit her.

Maureen had a child? Why had Joanne never met her? Where was she? Why was this a big secret? Why had Maureen never told her?

"Come with me tomorrow," Maureen sounded blank, almost robotic. "I can't explain tonight. Just trust me. You'll see"

Joanne woke up at four the next morning. She wasn't surprised to see Maureen was already up. On April 7th, Maureen was up at three-thirty, preparing to light her candle at exactly four nineteen.

Moving into the kitchen, she began preparing a light breakfast. Tea and toast…nothing fancy, but enough to satisfy them. Who knew how long they would be gone?

Sitting in quiet meditation, she watched Maureen write in the pink notebook, only used on this specific day. Sipping her tea, she still struggled to grasp Maureen's revelation.

"Thanks," Maureen murmured, picking up the chipped mug. "You're not mad at me are you?"

"Why would I be mad?" Joanne asked, taking a bite of toast. She noticed that for the first time, she wasn't nauseous. Maybe now she could keep something down. Why hadn't she guessed tea and toast?

"I don't know," Maureen murmured. "How's little Juniper treating you?" She gently placed her hand on Joanne's stomach.

"Not giving me nausea." She said. "We do need to discuss names…" Her voice trailed off.

"Ready?" Maureen asked, setting her mug in the sink. "We have a bit of a trip ahead of us."

Joanne nodded, watching the candle being extinguished. Her eyes followed the drop of wax slowly moving the stem.

"Do you want to hear about Norah?" Maureen asked, setting the candle above the mantle. Joanne nodded. "I need Mark to tell you verbally. It's part of our agreement, but start with _Her Book,_" She handed Joanne the pink notebook. As the book changed hands, Joanne couldn't help but a notice of hopeful pain cross Maureen's telling eyes.

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	2. Memorial Agreement

April 7th

Memorial Agreement 

Disclaimer: Nope, still own no one.

A/N- Big thanks to my wonderful Beta, Evie. Also, TISSUE WARNING.

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_Together, Maureen Johnson and Mark Cohen, vow to remember and celebrate Norah Juliet Cohen-Johnson's brief life, which started and ended on April 7__th__, 1993. This celebration of life will occur every April 7__th__, the day she was taken from us._

_Mark promises to:_

_-Provide nine yellow roses, one for each month of pregnancy._

_-Provide four white roses for each hour of life._

_-Provide a single Black Rose for a sign that we miss our Precious Girl._

_-Write a message to her on a pink balloon and release it into the sky every year._

_-Meets Maureen at 8:19 Am at Pasture Roads Cemetery to commemorate the time Our Bright One passed. _

_-Give Maureen a long pink candle every year before April 7__th__, as a way to say he remembers what they went through. _

_Maureen promises to:_

_-Light Mark's pink candle every year at 4:19 AM to say, "I remember the time she was born." _

_-Write a letter in this book, to Norah, telling her what she has missed and how she is always on her mind, and just saying "I love you"_

_-Read the yearly letter aloud in front of the gravestone._

_-Provides the tissues on the cemetery excursion as a way to say, "It's okay to cry,"_

_-Meet Mark at Pasture Roads Cemetery at 8:19 AM, the time Norah passed._

_-Bring a small white teddy bear, a present for their baby in Heaven. _

_Mark and Maureen both promise to:_

_-Never forget Norah Juliet Cohen-Johnson (4/7/1993 4:18 AM-8: 19 AM) _

_-To only verbally tell her story together._

_-To only let this book be seen by either of them or their respective spouses._

_-Always remind the other one, if one of them were to forget._

SIGNED: _Maureen Johnson __Mark Cohen_

(Maureen Johnson) (Mark Cohen)

**Norah, Mommy and Daddy love and miss you!**

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_- _


	3. Part 2

April 7th

Part 2 

Sections: 3/??

Disclaimer: I own no one!  
A/N- Evie, my Beta, thanks a ton.

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Joanne found herself hunched over the wire can, vomiting. Grasping the sides, she looked up at Maureen, who was holding her hair back. As she began to vomit again, she couldn't believe how nauseous she had been in the past few weeks.

"You're going to be fine," Maureen murmured, rubbing gentle circles around her back. "I know you feel icky, but just think of what you're getting in the end," Joanne sniffled.

Leaning on Maureen, Joanne struggled to move. She still felt so sick. How could she _really _do this for the next few months?

Maureen deposited Joanne on a bench, and went above ground for a few minutes. It took all of the pregnant woman's willpower not to curl up on the bench. She loved Maureen and wanted to be there for her on this important day, but right now, she just wanted to be in bed.

"Try this," Maureen appeared by her side. She handed a bottle to Joanne. Lifting the cold bottle to her lips, Joanne took a long sip. Lemonade? "Sour things _always _calmed my pregnant tummy." She laughed. "Can you imagine Mark, Roger and Collins on the street in the middle of the night trying to find lemonade?" Joanne shook her head. "They did," Joanne noticed Maureen wince.

"What?"

"Nothing," Suddenly, her eyes that moments before had been so lively were once again blank and full of pain. "It's nothing,"

Joanne was worried. Was Maureen acting worse this year? Why? What was going on her in head?

The train rumbled to a stop. Looking up, Joanne silently asked her lover for help. The slightest movement was liable to make her vomit all over the train car. Maureen hoisted her up, and moved her into the car. Setting her in a seat across from the window, Maureen then sat next to Joanne.

Facing a window, Joanne stared at the graffiti covered walls. Focusing on one particular image, she tried to keep her stomach.

Also, she wanted answers.

Apparently, Maureen had a daughter, Norah Juliet, who lived only four hours. What had she died of? Why was this a big secret? Had Mark not been the father? Could it have been Collins? What was the secret?

"You'll get your answers," Maureen murmured. "Keep reading,"

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	4. Year 1

April 7th

Letter to Norah-Year 1 

Disclaimer: Still own no one!

A/N-Again, thanks to Evie, my wonderful beta. Collins quotes belongs to some ancient guy I can't name.

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_4/7/1994_

_Dearest Bright One, _

_One year has gone by since you came and left so fast, stealing our hearts in the process._

_Your dad and I are trying our best to cope. We're doing as well as can be expected, even though we almost didn't get through the first month or so without you. However, the second anyone mentions your name, we both end up sobbing. We miss you so much._

_Most people avoid mentioning you to us. Yet, some don't hesitate to call you by name. I lost it today. Collins looked at me and said, "The Life of the dead is placed in the memory of the living." After noticing me looking confused, he added, "Norah Juliet will never be forgotten as long as someone is around to remember her." Hearing your name, Precious Girl, made me cry, and as he always is, Collins was there for me, just holding me. _

_Every night I sleep with your special blanket, the one you were wrapped in right after birth and the one you died in. It smells you, Our Bright One. Only Daddy knows I do this though. I don't want it out in the open. I don't want to appear weak, even though I am a mother, grieving the loss of her baby. _

_Words cannot truly get across just how much I miss you. Your bassinet, a gift from Uncle Roger, is still set up in the loft's corner. Sometimes, I catch Auntie April staring into it and fussing with the blankets, but only when she thinks no one's looking. _

_Your short visit impacted us more than you will ever know. Everyone, (Uncle Benny, Auntie April, Uncle Roger, Collins, me and Daddy) treats life a little differently._

_The pain of losing you is still so fresh, but moving on gets easier and the pain gets less raw every day._

_I love you, Bright One._

_Love._

_Mommy_


	5. Part 3

April 7th

Part 3 

Disclaimer: I still only own Norah.

A/N- The usual Beta'ing credit goes to Evie.

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Joanne dabbed at her eyes, wondering how Maureen had survived this. She was only two months into her own pregnancy. What would she do if something happened to her own baby? Could she and Maureen survive that?

"Do you do this every year?" she asked, realizing just how little she knew about Maureen's life before her.

"For the last fourteen years," Maureen said, reaching out for her lover's hand and then gently laid across her stomach. "It's part of the agreement. Mark and I will probably do this to the end of our days." She gently pressed her hand into Joanne's stomach. The other woman winced. What was Maureen doing? "Right here."

"What?" Maureen seized her hand, and gently pressed it into her stomach. She winced, her hand coming into contact with a hard lump. "Ow, you're hurting me. What is that?" Maureen gently prodded again. Joanne pushed her hands off, and protected her stomach. "No more until you tell me what you're poking, because it hurts."

"I _was _ poking our baby in the head. That lump is our nine week old baby," Maureen said, her eyes glistening with happy tears.

"Wow," Joanne murmured, leaning her head on Maureen's shoulder. "That's amazing." She sipped her lemonade.

"Mark and I used to sit up in bed, just feeling for her." Maureen murmured, her eyes shimmering with hope. "He was so excited the first time he realized he had his hand on her."

Deep in her mind, she could see it. Maureen pleading for sleep while Mark begged for '_five _more minutes' to find their baby. Then Maureen gave in and got to deal with Mark's excited squeals.

"Am I rambling?" Maureen asked, snapping Joanne back to reality. "I don't know why I'm suddenly so talkative," She shook her head. "I normally hate talking about Norah."

"I love hearing about her." Joanne said. "I really do," Her stomach growled.

Maureen handed her a bag of Sour Skittles. Popping the tart candy in her mouth, she was grateful for Maureen's thoughtfulness.

"Feel better?" Maureen asked, throwing her arms around Joanne. She shook her head.

"I'm pukey and I want to know more," she admitted. Opening the notebook, she settled her head on Maureen's shoulder.

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	6. Year 2

April 7th

Year 2 

Disclaimer: Still only own Norah.

A.N- Thanks to Evie for Beta'ing.

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_4/7/1995_

_Dear Norah,_

_On your second birthday in Heaven, you have someone very special to keep you company. Auntie April joined you about a month ago. Have you met her yet, Bright One? _

_If you haven't, you will. She's hard to miss. Knowing your aunt as well as I do, she's found you already and is spoiling you with love, affection and attention, the way she always wanted to for her children. She'll take care of you until either Daddy or I get there._

_Uncle Roger is very sick. It will be a miracle if he survives another year. Norah, if it's in your power, put him on the right path. We all love him and don't want to lose him the way we lost Auntie April._

_Two years later, I still miss you. My life has been incomplete since the day we parted ways._

_Daddy and I have talked about having another baby, but it almost seems like it's betraying your memory and it feels like we're replacing you. _

_Who would you look like? Daddy or me? Would you have Daddy's pale hair and my nose? My wild curls and his brilliant blue eyes?_

_Sometimes I dream of you, Precious Girl. I never see your face but I KNOW it's you._

_What I would give to hold you once again! I miss you SO much, Baby Girl!_

_Wow, that's the first time I've ever called you that. You're just usually "My Precious Girl" or "Our Bright One". Shows how much I miss you…or how weak I am._

_I miss you, Precious Girl._

_Love,_

_Mommy_


	7. Part 4

April 7th

Part 4 

Disclaimer: Nope owning no one except Nora.

A/N- Usual Beta Credit to Evie.

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"Roger went straight after dreaming of April and a curly haired Brown eyed little girl." Maureen said, cupping Joanne's hand. "I can only assume that the brown eyed little girl with wild curls was Norah," She blinked back tears. "You okay, Babe?"

"It's so sad." Joanne mumbled, sniffling. "How can this be true?" Maureen shrugged.

"It just is." She said. Her fingertips rested lightly on Joanne's stomach. "Mark and I wanted to be able to move on so we never discussed it…except on today's date,"

Joanne ignored her rumbling stomach. She was afraid if she called attention to her nausea that she would vomit all over the train car. Why had she insisted on trying to eat something in Grand Central?

"Shh," Maureen murmured, rocking Joanne. "It's going to be okay." She yawned. "Before you know it, your tummy trouble will be gone and you'll be worried that you're fat,"

"I am not fat!" Joanne exclaimed, suddenly angered. "I'm allowed to gain weight!" She began to cry. "I'm just pregnant,"

What was causing such drastic mood swings? Maureen was the bipolar one.

Oh yeah, hormones.

The train rumbled to a stop. Had an hour really gone by that fast? It seemed like just minutes ago that they had transferred to the Connecticut line in Grand Central. Joanne stumbled to her feet, leaning on Maureen.

"Mo!" a masculine voice called out.

Jerking her head, Joanne noticed Mark who was struggling with a bag. She ran across the platform, willing to help.

"You finally asked?" he murmured. She nodded. "Roger and I were wondering when curiosity would overcome to you." He faced Maureen. "Ready for our Chocolate Chip Waffles?" Joanne glanced over to Maureen. "We're developed our own traditions not covered in the agreement." Maureen nodded. "Mo's main pregnancy craving were Chocolate Chip Waffles, so, every year on Norah's birthday, we go to The Waffle House for chocolate chip waffles." Joanne wondered just how her temperamental stomach would handle the smells of the greasy diner.

No one knew Joanne was pregnant except for Maureen and the doctors. Neither of them wanted to happily announce a pregnancy only to have to tearfully admit it was _lost. _

The food stunk. Food that once smelled so good only managed to make her nauseous. If this kept up, she would have to tell Mark the big news.

"Mo," she murmured, the first opportunity she got. "All I can keep down is tea and toast, and even that's not really staying down" She didn't mention the greasy bacon make her nauseous. She thought it was best to stick to one argument.

Joanne merely picked at her blueberry waffles. It had been the only thing on the menu that had looked remotely appetizing. Now it was just making her sick.

"Try this," Maureen said, popping a piece of a chocolate chip waffle into her mouth. She cut and speared a waffle piece. "Say Ahh," She placed the fork in Joanne's mouth. "Good, right?" Joanne nodded. "Can we tell Mark?"

Joanne nodded.

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	8. Year 3

April 7th

Year 3 

Disclaimer: Still only own Norah.

A/N- Probably the only Unbeta'ed chapter you'll see from me.

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4/7/1995

_To my Beloved Norah,_

_On your half birthday, Daddy and I laid flowers on your grave. They looked so pretty against your new gravestone._

_The Roses Daddy places every year should look extra pretty this time. _

_There's someone new in my life/ Her name is Joanne, and she is absolutely the love of my life. _

_Daddy and I couldn't survive losing you. We tried our hardest to make it work._

_In the end, we just miss you, Bright One._

_I wonder when Joanne will ask about your birthday. She's a smart lady, so ,we'll see. Just know I'm not hiding the fact you existed, but I don't want her to pity me just because you weren't meant for this earth._

_Daddy's doing fine. He misses me. I miss him._

_I'll always love him, but some couples just don't survive losing a child. _

_We weren't strong enough._

_Give Auntie April a big hug for me. The two of you saved Uncle Roger, which Daddy and I are so grateful for. We also have the feeling that you and Auntie April are the reason he found Mimi._

_For the first time since the day you died, I was able to go into a Baby Store. Uncle Benny's son Benji aka Benjamin Coffin the Forth was born. It was hard but I survived._

_Love,_

_Mommy_


	9. Part 5

April 7th

Part 5 

Disclaimer: Still only owning Norah.

A/N-Thank you, My Dear Beta aka Evie.

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Joanne began to shiver, the cold air chilling her. This must have been a pregnancy symptom, because she didn't remember April air ever bothering her this much.

"Here," Mark murmured, wrapping his scarf around her neck. "Take my scarf." Joanne silently thanked him.

Her stomach was still jumpy, but she attributed this to nerves. She was anxious to see Maureen's daughter's grave.

"Maur," she murmured, clutching her stomach. "I think I'm going to puke." She doubled over, and began to vomit in the butter. Maureen slowly rubbed her back.

Her forehead was drenched in sweat. She struggled to control her cramping stomach. How was she supposed to live with this for the next few weeks?

"It's okay." Maureen murmured, still rubbing her back. "You'll be fine. It's okay,"

"If I didn't know any better, I'd swear she was pregnant." Mark murmured. Catching her breath, Joanne glanced up and nodded slowly. "You're pregnant?"

"Nine and a half weeks," she murmured. "I am nine and a half weeks pregnant." Mark stiffened. "Ugh,"

The black iron cemetery gates slid open. Joanne struggled to move, without getting sick. She could never defile a grave, even if it was by complete accident.

"Mark?" Maureen called. He turned, still visibly stiff. "What is it?" He moved forward, his lips pursed. Joanne jerked around and noticed Maureen's reaction. "What's wrong?" He glowered at her. "Mark…why are you so angry?"

"How could you?" he growled, grabbing her by the shoulder. "How could you?" Suddenly, his face crumbled in a fit of pain. "You're replacing our Norah! And what about the baby?" Joanne was baffled. What baby? "The one you never told anyone about. Yes, Joanne. She's keeping another secret from you. The day April died, she had an early miscarriage." Maureen recoiled as if she had been smacked in the face. "You never loved her did you?" He spat on the ground. "That's why you're replacing her." Joanne stepped forward and slapped him.

"You need to calm your ass down!" she shouted, staring him down. "Where the hell do you get off saying Maureen didn't love her babies? I don't care that she didn't tell me about her miscarriage. I understand her need to keep it a secret." She sighed, and looked away.

Mark stormed off. Maureen collapsed into Joanne's arms. "I'm sorry, Baby Girl. I should have told you about the miscarriage," she sobbed. "Mark and I never told anyone. I was only five weeks along. I didn't want it to rule my life the way losing Norah had." She watched him, muttering to the tombstone. "Forgive me?" Joanne gently cupped Maureen's cheek.

"I'm not going to forgive you…" Maureen looked crestfallen. "Because you've done nothing wrong." She gripped Maureen's hand, and dried her eyes with her sleeve. "Stop crying, Darling." Maureen nodded.

"Mark'll come around," Maureen said. "He will. Would you do me the honor of reading this year's letter?"

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	10. Part 6

April 7th

Part 6 

Disclaimer: I own no one.

A/N- Thanks to Evie The Bad Grammar Slayer…yes, I've been watching way too much Buffy.

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Tears blurring her vision, Joanne began to read aloud, her voice unwavering.

_To my Baby Girl,_

_Two weeks ago, Joanne and I learned we will be Mommies. Jo is pregnant. Nine and a half weeks with your baby brother or sister. _

_Jo acts like I did, when I was pregnant with you. I once sent Daddy and our entire male family out in the middle of the night, for Tapioca pudding. The other night, I had to go an hour away for pickled mushrooms at midnight._

Joanne could see Mark and the other guys wandering the streets, trying to find pudding. Benny-bargaining with a Bodega owner to open the store. Mark-trying to use sympathy on an unsympathetic deli worker. Roger-cursing just as the lights go out in the market. Collins-grinning as he secures the pudding in his backpack.

_On our way to visit you, Jo and I found your lump of a sibling, just like Daddy and I did with you. _

Mark. Maureen. Late at night. Mark just pressing into her stomach. Just something to affirm a baby was in there.

_This is the first year Jo ever asked about your birthday. That surprises me. I think your sibling made her sentimental. _

_Uncle Collins joined you for Christmas. Losing him was tough, but I'm sure you and Angel were the first people he saw. Thank you for greeting him, Bright One._

Joanne didn't doubt that. If there were two people who would have met Collins at Heaven's Gates, it would be Angel and Norah.

_I'm so scared, Precious Girl. What if something happens to your sibling? I don't know if we can survive a loss. _

_Holding you as you lay dying was the toughest thing I've ever done. When your new sibling is placed in my arm, I will try my best not to remember the last time I held a seconds old Newborn._

Joanne could see Maureen holding her dying baby, trying not to cry, merely wanting to make sure her daughter's last moments were peaceful.

_Mommy may have a second family, but that doesn't mean she will EVER forget you. I love you, and next year, your sibling will be with us._

_Love,_

_Mommy_

As soon as she finished reading, Joanne made a promise.

_No, Norah Juliet, I will never ever forget you._

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	11. Part 7

April 7th

Part 7 

Disclaimer: I still own no one.

A/N-Thank you to The Bad Grammar Slayer…

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When they got home, Joanne still clutched the pink book. She wanted to know more about her stepdaughter. Someone else had to know something.

_Benny, _she thought. Roger would just tell Mark that she was being nosy. April and Collins were dead. Maureen wouldn't discuss it without Mark, and judging by his reaction to their baby, he wasn't stable enough to ask. _He's the only one._

Maureen passed out on the couch, moments later, due to too much wine. Joanne knew this would be her only opportunity to escape.

A light rain had begun to fall, as soon as Joanne got outside. Drawing the hood of her black sweatshirt over her head, she walked down the street.

"Benny, it's Joanne"

"I'm surprised to hear from you."

"Can you do me a favor?"

"Depends. I don't lend out money."

"Not money. I need a story,"

"What? A story?"

"Norah, tell me about Norah."

"Will you come down here? To Westport?"

"Sure."

She hung up the phone; surprised she had even found a working payphone. It seemed as if they were getting rarer and rarer on the busy streets of New York to the point where they were seen but frequently didn't work. She began walking toward Grand Central. She knew it would possibly be hours on a train but she didn't care. She had to know. What was so secret about the baby's death?

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	12. Year 4

April 7th

Year 4 

Disclaimer: Still owning no one.

A/N- Thank you to The Bad Grammar Slayer.

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_To Our Precious Girl,_

_Have you and Auntie April met Mimi and Angel? I know you'll love Angel, Norah. He's so sweet, so kind, just the kind of adult we want you to be near. _

_Mimi's also hard to miss. She and April are probably going to be spoiling you. Isn't she pretty? She's got such a loving personality too. Uncle Roger misses her, but he's not mourning her. He's celebrating her life. _

_Daddy is doing well. A major production company picked up his film. His next project will be about you, Bright One._

_Jo still has no clue about you. I'm just afraid she would pity me instead of just treating you like an angel. I love her and you, Precious Girl._

_For the first time since I was pregnant with you, I had a craving for Pistachio Gelato. Jo and I went to the place that I used to send Daddy to. It tasted SO good, and yet brought tears to my eyes. You used to kick the cold bowl off my belly._

_Going through a closet in the loft, I came across your bassinet in a box. All I could remember was Auntie April fussing with the blankets. It's funny what can trigger memories. _

_Happy fourth birthday, Norah Juliet._

_I'll eat a cupcake in your honor._

_I love you._

_Love,_

_Mommy._


	13. Part 8

April 7th

Part 8

Disclaimer: I own no one!

A/N- Unbetaed due to the fact my beta is currently lacking Internet.

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The train's rocking settled her queasy stomach. Joanne settled into the seat. Maureen was probably still out. Wine always did that to her.

_Leo. _Joanne thought, embracing her stomach. _Lenore. _Somehow, the old name just seemed right if they were having a girl. _Lenore for a girl and Lucian for a boy. Lucian Michael. Lucian Michael and Lenore April…what if we have twins?_

A woman settled into the seat beside her. Joanne couldn't help but notice the woman's hugely swollen belly.

_That'll be me soon enough. _She thought, wondering if the three pounds she had gained showed.

"When are you due?" she asked. The woman laughed.

"Last week." She said. "My first was three weeks late." She giggled.

"How many children do you have?" Joanne murmured, facing forward.

"Two in Heaven, Alison and Kate and the little man inside me, Bennett." She sighed. "I'm sorry. You probably don't want to hear it."

Joanne was stunned. What were the chances of running into someone who had lost a child on this particular day?

"My partner told me just yesterday that she lost a baby years ago." Joanne said. The woman nodded. "I'm trying to track down her daughter's history."

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	14. Year 5

April 7th

_Year Five_

Disclaimer: Only own Nora.

A/N- Unbetaed due to my beta's current lack of internet.

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_4/7/1998_

_To my Norah, _

_Every year on your birthday, I go to a little Italian Bakery and eat a cupcake in your memory. Chocolate, pink frosting, and rainbow sprinkles._

_How's Heaven, Precious Girl? Is it weird having so many people with you?  
Jo wants a baby. I'm not sure I can do this. How can I have another baby? What if something happens again? I don't want to lose Jo, the way I lost Daddy._

_I want a family so bad, Norah. A house with a dog in the front yard and a white picket fence. _

_Isn't that ideal? Do you think I'm ready to move on? The dog does sound awfully tempting. Jo has promised me a Harlequin (Black and white, Precious Girl) Great Dane Puppy, my favorite breed, to go in the front yard of our dream house. _

_It's hard to believe you would be five years old, getting ready to start Kindergarten. Every time I see a little girl, I wonder if that could have been you. Would I be married to Daddy? Would you have siblings?_

_My body failed you. This is the first time I have ever mentioned this and it's the last time I will. _

_Happy birthday, Precious One._

_Love,_

_Mommy_


	15. Year 6

April 7th

Year Six 

Disclaimer: Nope, own no one recognizable. If I did, I definitely wouldn't be on a $ 20 computer.

A/N-Still Unbetaed.

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_4/7/1999_

_To Our Bright One,_

_For our third anniversary, Jo got me a Pug puppy and a dog carrier. So, I walk around Soho with a puppy attached to my chest. Her name is Starlite._

_Taking care of this puppy is calming my maternal instincts. Hopefully, she'll suppress my urge to have a baby. I almost wonder if this is what Auntie April went through with her raging instinct._

_Jo still doesn't wonder where I go every year on your birthday. As much as I love her, sometimes I wonder just how dense she really is. All I want to do is tell her all about you._

_Uncle Benny's second child was born today. Lucy Rose joined Benji aka Benjamin Coffin the Fourth. Two Boho children-born on the same day; what are the chances?_

_Sometimes I wake up and swear you're in my arms. Am I finally losing it? Why now? Why not six years ago when the pain was so fresh? Why now? Why?_

_Always remember you are loved._

_Love,_

_Mommy. _


	16. Year 7

April 7th

Year 7 

Disclaimer: Still own no one but Norah.

A/N – Special thanks to my guest star Beta, Beth!

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_4/7/2000_

_To my Norah,_

_You'd be turning 6 on this horribly rainy day. As cold and as wet as it is, it's still a special day for Mommy and Daddy, the day Our Bright One visited Earth. _

_My desire to mother is as strong as ever. I want to be a mommy so badly. Not that I'm not your Mommy, but I hope you understand._

_Jo and I reevaluate our views on Motherhood every six months. I refuse to allow her to try conceiving. I'm so afraid. What if something goes wrong? I can't shake my fear. _

_It just bothers me that I can't shake off my feelings. I just want to hold you so badly._

_The dog isn't suppressing my urge to mother anymore. What can I do, Precious Girl?_

_Daddy hasn't dated since me. Right now, he's dating this beautiful woman named Leah. I hope she marries him one day. She really does do him good._

_I love you._

_Love,  
Mommy_


	17. Part 9

April 7th

Part 8 

Disclaimer: Still own no one!

A/N- Unbeta'ed.

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Joanne closed the journal, just as the train lurched to a stop. So, this was Westport. That ride hadn't seemed _that _bad.

"Joanne," Benny muttered, pushing through the crowd. "Give me a hug" Joanne hugged the man, struggling not to cringe. This affection was just unlike him. "When are you due?" Joanne looked down, examining her belly. Was it that obvious? "When you have five kids, it's _always _obvious" He chuckled. "Benji, 12, Lucy, 8, James, 4, Abby, 2, and Jillian, 2 months." He laughed again. "Well?" Joanne blinked.

"November fifteenth, but I'll probably go earlier. It's genetic." She murmured. "Isn't it Lucy's birthday?" Benny nodded.

"Yep. Before you think you're imposing, we've already done dinner and cake." He said. "Chocolate with passion fruit mousse, courtesy of Papa Grey." She smirked, her fingertips grazing her stomach. "Care for a piece? The extra's in the Rover, meant for my secretary," Joanne nodded, listening to her stomach growl. "We'll grab coffee too." Joanne groaned. "Sorry, coffee for me and something with no caffeine for you." She smiled.

They rode to the small coffeehouse in silence. All Joanne wanted was this story. She had to know. What happened to Norah?

"Black coffee for me and an orange cream smoothie for our little Mama" Benny muttered, placing the plastic cup in front of her. Joanne sighed. "Anyway, what did you want to know?" Joanne sipped the cold drink.

"What happened to the baby?" she asked. "What happened to Norah Juliet Cohen-Johnson?" Benny sighed, sipping his coffee.

"Maureen had a slow leak in her water bag. For about two months. The doctors never picked up on it, for whatever reason. When she was born, her lungs were unable to work properly for very long, since her body was ravaged by infection. It's a miracle that she wasn't stillborn." He sighed. "Maureen almost died of an amniotic infection. As soon as her water started leaking, she _should _have gone into labor. For whatever reason, she didn't. It tore Mark and Maureen apart." He turned his head. "They haven't been the same since. Mark became more cautious, while Maureen became somewhat of a risk taker."

"No wonder she was so against this." Joanne muttered, rubbing her belly. "_My body failed her_… now it all makes sense." She sipped her drink.

"I'm glad you finally know the truth." Benny murmured. "Have a happy, healthy pregnancy." Joanne nodded. "Do you want a ride home? I have some work to do down there." Joanne nodded.

She didn't want to brave the trains again.

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	18. Year 8

April 7th

Year 8 

Disclaimer: Still owning no one unless you don't recognize them.

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_4/7/2001_

_Dear Norah,_

_Joanne and I have agreed to try and get pregnant. It almost made me cry when I realized I would be giving Jo hormone injections. I never felt as bad as I did when I stabbed that defenseless orange. Tomorrow's my first official day giving injections. Hopefully, I don't hurt her TOO badly. Starting tomorrow, she gets Clomid injections. I don't want to be the carrying partner just yet._

_A new baby… how exciting. Any child I have with Jo will NEVER take your place, but Bright One, I can't hide from the maternal instinct. I want to have a baby._

_Uncle Collins and I decimated so many oranges trying to get these shots just right. It was kind of funny. He's in the hospital now, pneumonia. He hasn't been the same since Angel died. _

_How can eight years pass in the blink of an eye? It seems like just yesterday I was complaining to Daddy because of my waddling and now I'm trying to conceive again. Maybe one day I'll carry. I really did enjoy being pregnant with you._

_Whatever we have, Boy or Girl, will share your name meaning. Just to show you that you still matter. _

_We almost lost Uncle Roger this January. Five years to the day Mimi died. As he laid in a coma, he swears you, Auntie April and Mimi visited him, convincing him to stay on Earth, just because it made your daddy happy. Is that all you care about? Keeping Daddy happy?_

_As I'm sure you know, Daddy couldn't last with Leah. I'm not sure what happened, but I just know they aren't dating anymore. It's just odd. Maybe he just isn't over me. _

_Always know Mommy misses and loves you._

_Love._

_Mommy_


	19. Year 9

April 7th

Year 9 

Disclaimer: I own no one!

A/N- Sorry this update's so late. I got lazy!

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_4/7/2002_

_To my Bright One,_

_Jo and I have still have not gotten pregnant. A year of trying and nothing…why is this taking so long? It happened so easily with you! _

_I just want to be a mother. Why is that so hard? _

_Jo is giving up-the hormone shots. She says she can't deal with it anymore…the disappointment, the pain. Neither can I. Disappointment every time her period starts, disappointment over losing you, pain over watching her suffer through these horrendous shots. We'll reevaluate in a year, but Star and Sammy, our new Chihuahua puppy take up our time. We even splurged on a doggy stroller! _

_So, I finally get to push a stroller with our dogs…It's good but not quite the same as a human baby._

_I cry a lot for you, Precious Girl. I miss you so much. Has a decade really almost passed? It seems like just yesterday…_

_I love you._

_Love, _

_Mommy._

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	20. Year 10

April 7th

_Year 10_

Disclaimer: Still owning no one recognizable.

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_4/7/2003_

_To my Precious Baby Girl,_

_Ten years ago, you were taken from me. Ten years ago, you visited us for a mere four hours. How could four hours impact a decade? How could four hours leave such an imprint on my heart? Why, Precious Girl, why? Why did your stay have to be so short? _

_I just wish the doctors had caught my leaking water. If they had caught it in time to diagnose, you would still be alive. My body failed you, Precious One. My body killed you. _

_That is the first time I've EVER mentioned what happened to you. I've just been afraid of the truth…as if speaking it made me seem less of a woman. I'm also afraid that wherever you are…you'll hate me. Because my body failed you in what is the most natural thing a woman can do._

_Jo doesn't ask me where I go every year. That really surprises me. How can she NOT ask after seven years? When will I be able to tell her about you? _

_Ten years ago today, my heart was ripped out of my chest. Ten years ago, my heart was ripped out of my chest. Ten years ago, I found out you could give a lifetime of love to someone in a mere four hours. Four hours…_

_Happy birthday, my Precious Baby Girl._

_Love, _

_Mommy_

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